11/28/2003 - 12:21 p.m.
When it comes to gift giving, men have no clue
Category: Idiotic - posted by: Bruce
When it comes to giving awful gifts, nobody does it better than a man. And in other news, George Washington is still dead...
11/27/2003 - 4:16 a.m.
- I'm thankful my diet does not include live frogs or worms.
- I’m thankful my wife puts up with all my nonsense. Everyday.
- I'm thankful my nose is not being held on by surgical tape i.e. Michael Jackson.
- I'm thankful my dog can't drive.
- I’m thankful my 6-year old son is full of nonsense.
- I'm thankful forks don't explode in my mouth.
- I'm thankful my bodily functions aren't disturbing to others.
- I'm thankful I don't cry muster.
- I'm thankful pillows aren't stuffed with cactus.
- I'm thankful octopuses are only thrown at Red Wings games, and not during weddings.
- I'm thankful Tony Soprano is not my boss.
- I'm thankful for The Man Show.
- I'm thankful Michael Jackson is not my Siamese Twin.
- I'm thankful morning erections do not make deafening, yodeling sounds.
- I'm thankful dinosaurs are extinct.
- I'm thankful for beer.
- I'm thankful for pavement. Because my 35 mile drive to work would really suck.
- I'm thankful the pilgrims settled on Turkey and not dogs for Thanksgiving.
- I'm thankful for you, dear readers. Your turn. Spill it.
11/26/2003 - 4:57 a.m.
Umm... What exactly were you looking for?
Category: gobbledygook - posted by: Bruce
Recent bizarre searches people used to get to the Daily Nonsense this week. I always thought I’ve seen everything on search requests. But people keep arriving here through some really weird ways.
After reading this list I would say that yes you guys are on crack! I’m so proud. *sniff*
- where can i take an internet test to see if i am racist
[#2 of 23,900 on Google] Oh yeah, that’s a regular feature here
- bow-lingual video clips
[#18 of 95 on Google] all I have to say is “GrrrraWoofawoofwoof”
- "the less van"
[#13 of 115 on Google] not only do the Kiwi Hippies selling phones they also bring people here.
- picture walmart greeter
[#11 of 288 on Google] Now there’s a person who knows what they want!
- "poked fun at"
[#1 of 16,100 on Google] That’s what we do. I like to think that I’m #1 and not #2!
- joke atlanta falcons
[#15 of 5,150 on Google] I thought the Falcons were the joke.
- email chain letters fun
[#13 of 73,700 on Yahoo search]
- rock paper scissors jewish
[#17 of 2,350 on Google] Does jewish beat rock?
- sylvester stallone diet
[#74 of 2,270 on Google] I’m sure there is a joke somewhere here.
- "BRUCE DOWNS"
[#3 of 415 on Google] Now there’s a girl who knows what she wants!
- montecore picture
[#3 of 359 on Google] here’s the picture
- bruce and the loose tooth
[#10 of 14,400 on Google] What?
- "Albert Hitchcock"
[#53 of 239 on Yahoo search] When searching "Albert Hitchcock", why come here?
Daily Nonsense gets traffic from so many strange search requests that I am making a game out of them. I hope you guys will try this too. The following story is constructed so that every sentence contains at least one legitimate daily nonsense search request.
During 2003 I, BRUCE DOWNS, gained too much weight and people poked fun at me so I decided to go on the Sylvester Stallone diet. I was able to lose enough weight to drive my van across town to compete in the rock paper scissors jewish tournament but lost to a perfect picture walmart greeter named montecore, in fact here is the montecore picture. Later that night I watched bow-lingual video clips of a Albert Hitchcock movie before going to the hotel bar to drink beer. After drinking about a six-pack I got hit in the face by montecore for calling him a white tiger. Do you believe that walmart greeter had the nerve to call me a racist? Well I wasn’t sure so I went to the lobby and asked the clerk where can i take an internet test to see if i am racist. He told me to go back to my room, so I did. While in my room I turned on the TV to discover that the sorry joke Atlanta falcons team was losing to a high school football team. I was so disgusted with the falcons that I turned off the TV and read a book called bruce and the loose tooth. The next morning when I checked out a discovered that my van was stolen, so I had to go the home with the less van.
11/25/2003 - 5:33 a.m.
Category: claptrap - posted by: Steve
Michael Jackson launches news website in hope to sway public that he is not a child-molesting freak.
11/24/2003 - 5:54 a.m.
A drunken man walks into a biker bar
Category: uproarious - posted by: Hadassah
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says,
Read first comment for punch line
11/24/2003 - 5:20 a.m.
What Do 18-To 34-Year-Old Men want?
Category: idiotic - posted by: Bruce
What Do 18-To 34-Year-Old Men want? This question has plagued 18-to 34-year-old women for years.
11/24/2003 - 4:56 a.m.
Your church needs to be blown up
Category: bizarre - posted by: Bruce
You say you’re getting married next month? The only problem is, you’re an Estonian Orthodox Jingoist, and your truelove is a African Traditionalist? How do you pick a church?
The answer is Inflatable Church. Just pick a flat surface, kneel on the ground and blow. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Inflatable Church may not even need to be inflated. Many ministers are windbags, easily filling a church with a generous supply of hot air.
They also have inflatable nightclubs, presumably for the bachelor party, where the theme song is Bach’s, Air on a G-String.
11/24/2003 - 4:35 a.m.
Bachelor Party Reality TV
Category: nauseous - posted by: Bruce
Seeing as reality TV will not go away, we might as well suck it in and get ready for more. The real problem, as I see it, is that there are only a few themes that are needlessly regurgitated into a truly bland brew. Once a program shows promise, shameless imitators follow.
That said, all one need to do is rearrange the titles to come up with new hits! Here are my ideas for the next season. Be sure to add yours.
- Bachelor Party on Film
- Queer Factor
- Trading Straight Guys
- Fear Chef
- The Bachelor meets the Bachelorette
- Iron Eye for Joe’s Restaurant
- Boy Meets Fear
- Bachelorette Tactics
- What Not to Fear
- While You Were Queer
- Restaurant Tactics
- Trading Junkyards
- The Iron Bachelorette
- Millionaire Wars
- Restaurant Survivors
- Who Wants to Scare a Millionaire?