"The Daily Nonsense report� showing on http://BruceDowns.Diaryland.com is just what the name implies, just nonsense. I update this nonsense everyday with links to a wide variety of weird, funny, strange, and just plain entertaining sites that the Internet, so frequently, provides us. On occasion I may feature links that doesn�t necessarily meet the previously mention criteria but are my personal thoughts and observations. I do put witty taglines on this nonsense and mail them to your mother on occasion, especially when you have been bad. So have fun, make comments, and come back often.

GET AROUND
JUST FOR FUN

ABOUT

Bruce's Bookmarks
Friends

SUBMISSIONS

1. I accept humorous link, image, blog and story suggestions. Please email them to me. You will get full linkage.

2. Content submitted should be humor or satire, similar to what I normally do.

3. Please do not be upset if I don�t post your submission(s). There may be a few good reasons why I didn�t: It�s possible that maybe, just maybe, it wasn�t funny.




02/14/2004 - 5:41 a.m.
1994
Category: flash animation - posted by: Bruce
Help! Someone tell me how to get out of here...
I like these kind of games... but not when I have a hang over. It took me 20 minutes to get out, so plan on spending some time on this site. First clue get the box to collect other items from the room, happy hunting! Second clue you have to click exactly in the right spot to get the stuff. I got an idea, drink a shot for each click.
9

02/14/2004 - 5:22 a.m.
Chick Clock
Category: cool - posted by: Bruce
Chick Clock is Groovy Baby. You can resize it and have it in the corner of your pad... I mean screen.
5

02/13/2004 - 6:57 a.m.
ON AND OFF.
Category: idiotic - posted by: Bruce.
Wow! This site is going to entertain some of you for hours!
4

02/13/2004 - 6:26 a.m.
Way to go, little guy!
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.
We all get them, yes even you girls get them. But this man, Jeffery Horton, has filled a lawsuit suing companies selling worthless penis-enlargement products. What I think is funny about this is that his New York lawyer Brad Corsello, who filed the lawsuit on Horton's behalf had the following quote "I was wondering for a long time why no one has gotten around to suing these penis-enlargement guys, because it seems like a pretty blatant ... fraud" Here is why, now thanks to the Internet and �the Daily Nonsense report� the whole world knows that poor Jeffery has a small penis.
11

02/13/2004 - 5:39 a.m.
Say What? on a rose!
Category: interesting - posted by: Bruce.
At www.SpeakingRoses,com�
"We emboss on natural roses for any occasion."
The world is a better place. You can now ruin a perfectly good flower with an advertising message.
I must admit that I do like this one.
What would you like to see on a rose?
4

02/12/2004 - 7:38 a.m.
My entry to an essay contest
Category: uproarious, I hope - posted by: Bruce.
I currently have [b][r][a][c][e][s] the reason I said currently is because I will be getting them off in about two months. Yes that�s right a 40-year old with braces, but I will have damn good-looking teeth soon. Well my orthodontist is having an essay contest worth $100 dollars. That�s a lot of dough; at least it is for me anyway.

Here are the rules as it is stated on the form; you could win $100 by simply writing an essay explaining why your family dentist is the best! We won�t pay attention to grammar, spelling, or capitalization. We will look for creativity!!! The contest runs until February 27, 2004. One prize of $100 will be awarded in early March. Good Luck!!!

The way I see it, I mostly will be competing against preteens and teenagers. I hope the �We will look for creativity� will give me a chance, I mean they are teenagers what do they know about creativity right. lol. So here is my essay, and yes it is mostly nonsense.

Why I have the best dentist in the world.

Hmmm. As I write those words, I am aware that my dentist may read them. So I want to make it clear that my dentist is the best dentist in the world. I love my dentist! In fact, I am sure that all dentists in Lawrenceville make going to them a pleasure.

You will notice that I do NOT want my dentist to be offended or in the least bit angry with me. It does not pay to anger someone who is going to be sticking you with needles and has a choice about just how much anesthetic to give while drilling!

So let me make this clear. My only hesitation about going to the dentist comes from previous experiences with dentists who were not nearly as skilled and professional as local dentists. It was those childhood dentists who made me afraid of going.

Many years ago, when I was only 9, I went to a dentist (I believed he was an alcoholic; because of the way his hands would shake, and how he mumbled about his ex-wife!) because I had a tooth that was sensitive to hot and cold. He sat me in a dentist chair and swung his X-ray machine over my head to take pictures. He realized how scared I was so he asked me �What grade did you get in math last quarter?� �B-minus,� I said, knowing that this was not relevant. �B-minus,� he mused. �Well, I won�t bother with the lead apron then. Anybody with a B-minus in math doesn�t deserve to have babies.� As if that wasn�t weird enough, this dentist had gone and painted elephant ears on the head of the X-ray machine, as well as a trunk, and big, rolling, frightened eyes. He patted it fondly and called it by name. The X-ray machine�s name was Martha the Elephant. First, I figured he was just acting the fool; the way adults did when they wanted you to like them. But he didn�t just exchange a few pleasantries with his imaginary elephant. He had a whole conversation, while ignoring me. After taking a few pictures without the apron he returned about ten minutes later and said that I needed a "pulp test." Hey, I like "pulp" in my orange juice, so why not.

What I learned was that this innocent sounding "pulp test" is really electrocution! The dentist put a probe on each tooth and slowly turned up the electrical charge. Then he wrote down how many volts each tooth required before I screamed. The tooth in question got a scream at level ONE each time he touched it, which he did about a dozen times or more.

The dentist frowned, which is never a good sign and said he would need to get the drill. My dentist wasn't surprised when I refused to open my mouth, and tried in vain to bolt from the chair for the nearest exit. He laughed a little and stuck some metal device (formerly used to stab vampires) in my mouth - something cold and sinister. My feet looked for something to kick but found that the nurse and doctor were out of reach. Then he started to drill, and drill, and drill. Finally, he put a C-clamp on another tooth so he could get better leverage to push harder and drill deeper. After using a dental drill for a while, he switched to a jackhammer and drove deeper still. While drilling he pretended to be concerned by asking, "Are you Okay?" "Are you Okay?" Well I definitely was not! But I didn't want him to slow down. This was one experience I was ready to get over with quickly. So I mumbled with a thick tongue, "Hurraghth uppp! I'mm fffiiinneee."

I carried my crucifix with me every time I went to this dentist office just in case� this dentist was Satan. Between patients he would lock himself in his office and crank up Marilyn Manson, while sketching pentagrams on the wall.

I kept telling myself to relax. Some good that did! My body hasn't been so tense since I was unceremoniously propelled from my mom�s womb. So I resorted to the strategy of closing my eyes. I didn't want to see how big the drill bit was that he was using. But then my imagination went wild! Those tools FELT like they were huge! Occasionally (not often enough) his assistant would poke around in my mouth with a vacuum cleaner sucking the blood stained water from my mouth "Sssslllluuuurrrrrppppppp!" When he finally got the drill, the swab, the tire chains, the C-clamp, and the crescent wrench out of my mouth, I said, "Ith doethn't hurth so bad, buth ith sure isth uncomfthable." Well at long last, the appointment came to an end. I let my dentist know that I decided not to book another appointment. Six months doesn�t sound like a long enough healing period, and I hear Freddy Kreuger might be opening up a dental office in the neighborhood. My dentist shrugged, gave me my free toothbrush coupon, and headed back to his office for a little more Marilyn Manson / Pentagram action�

Now back to the near present and why I believe I have the best dentist in the world. I remember the first time I visited Dr Graham, the non-evil one, it was about 5-years ago. He looked in my mouth and said, �You seem to be missing a couple of molars�. �I know,� I said. �Dr. Satan took them out. Not his fault, though. It was probably that darn elephant that told him to do it.�

Dr Graham said, �You�re my weirdest patient� Hold still. �This won�t hurt a bit.� Of course it did but I�m absolutely sure he has no idea who Marilyn Manson is, and that�s fine with me. Actually it really wasn�t that bad, and I thought to myself that I would even come back for a check-up every 6 months.

I asked him as we were walking towards the desk, if it was tough spending all day with his hands in people�s mouth. He said that he likes to think of it as having his hands in people�s wallets.

Then Dr. Graham showed me the bill. �Ouch!�
9

02/12/2004 - 6:31 a.m.
Valentine's Day gift idea for that special lady
Category: uproarious and hot - posted by: Bruce.

Now I know what I�m getting Lisa for a Valentines gift.

Butt I will need to cancel that trip to Paris, sorry Lisa. The question is will Lisa wear it? A fashion designer at Alba D�Urbano Couture is a freakin genius. Warning: contains fake nudity. The women are wearing clothes, but the clothes themselves have pictures of naked bodies on them.
6

02/12/2004 - 6:02 a.m.
Mason you need not to be concerned
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.

Yes, it's a joke site so Mason you need not to be concerned: www.EatBabies.com. Here's the beginning of a recipe for Baby Alfredo:

Select 2-3 infants from the maternity ward, preferably chubby with plenty of skin to spare, and replace them with Cabbage Patch Kids. It's impossible to tell the difference.

Once back in your torture chamber - I mean kitchen, duct tape baby's mouth shut so that the screaming will not effect your cooking and preparation.

Even though some days I wish Mason could read today is one day that I glad he can�t.
6

02/11/2004 - 12:42 p.m.
This is too cool, Church Sign Generator
Category: incredible - posted by: Steve.

Ok, who was the practical joker who did this to the First Baptist Church sign board? I must confess I did it, go to www.churchsigngenerator.com to make your own.
4

02/11/2004 - 6:45 a.m.
Vote for PETA's sexiest vegetarian alive!
Category: repulsive - posted by: Steve.

Steve has been busy sending all this nonsense.

Vote for PETA's sexiest vegetarian alive!
6

02/11/2004 - 6:29 a.m.
Here�s a great gift for ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, etc. from eBay
Category: bizarre - posted by: Steve.

That�s right � A special treat for someone you really dislike on a very special holiday, genuine Labrador retriever poop.
2

02/11/2004 - 6:13 a.m.
10 Things Men know About Women

  10. Women have breasts
What did I leave out?
8

02/11/2004 - 6:09 a.m.
Dirty Valentine's Day Candy Hearts
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.
Dirty Funny Valentine's Day Candy Hearts � Lisa will not be getting these from me.
3

02/10/2004 - 6:09 a.m.
Valentine's Day, another Hallmark holiday.
Some of you may know that Lisa works part-time at a local Hallmark store. I�ve never been big on sending cards, and with good reason. Most of them are bad. The rhyme schemes are embarrassing, the illustrations dismal yet this is one of Hallmarks busiest weeks of the year. Here�s a collection of evil Valentine�s Day cards from My Creepy Valentine. Send these out to your truelove and I can guarantee you ain�t gettin' any this weekend. This one in particular, really disturbs me.
5

02/10/2004 - 5:51 a.m.
The Origin of Matt Lesko
We all have heard or seen his commercials sporting the wardrobe of the Riddler and the charm of Urkel, Matt Lesko promises to reveal the secrets of how to snatch money from the government. This is what I believe to be the Origin of Matt Lesko.


8

02/09/2004 - 7:29 p.m.
For the bighearted!
Category: bizarre - posted by: Bruce
This has got to be the sickest thing yet......
This heart is for you my love.
2

02/09/2004 - 12:34 p.m.
This space left intentionally blank










10

02/09/2004 - 9:12 a.m.
This weekend we went to my nephews 4th birthday party
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.

We had a blast, butt this girl cracked me up.


8

02/09/2004 - 3:54 a.m.
Red Bull + Vodka = Barney's Speedball
Category: sad - posted by: Bruce
A couple years ago, I went to a 3-day music festival called Music Midtown with some friends. We got a hotel room within walking distance and partied. Everything was cool until my brother-in-law brought some red bull and vodka, and bam I was gone in 60 seconds. I�m quite sure it had nothing to do with the 18 beers I had earlier. Anyway back to the story, now I know why and the Brits are doing something about it. By the way I'm going again this year, so if your in Atlanta lets parrrrty.
14

Last Week Nonsense - This Week Nonsense

Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this nonsense without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited. Sanitized for your protection. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. One size fits all. No user-serviceable parts inside. I do not carry cash. No wagering. Void where prohibited by law.