"The Daily Nonsense report” showing on http://BruceDowns.Diaryland.com is just what the name implies, just nonsense. I update this nonsense everyday with links to a wide variety of weird, funny, strange, and just plain entertaining sites that the Internet, so frequently, provides us. On occasion I may feature links that doesn’t necessarily meet the previously mention criteria but are my personal thoughts and observations. I do put witty taglines on this nonsense and mail them to your mother on occasion, especially when you have been bad. So have fun, make comments, and come back often.

02/28/2004 - 8:44 a.m.
Worst Business Web Site Ever?
Category: repulsive - posted by: Bruce
I'm sure Brian Nelson is a fine businessman, and he's probably a leader in the party tent business, not. But I'm pretty sure this is the worst business web site I've ever seen.
4


02/27/2004 - 12:14 p.m.
We received winter-storm damage from yesterdays snow storm and apparent wind
Today Lisa called really upset telling me that our house received some damage from a terrible storm that passed through Georgia early yesterday morning. Schools were closed and most people stayed home during this terrible storm. I told her to calm down and take a picture of the damage so we can make a claim on our insurance and to email me the picture so I can be prepared before coming home from work. I tell you after looking at the picture it really makes me cherish our usual balmy climate, and reminds us not to take life for granted. I decided to post the picture but not on the front page due to it being quite graphic. So if you want to see what our damage looks like click here.
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02/27/2004 - 6:37 a.m.
Sponsors
Category: claptrap - posted by: Bruce.
If condoms had sponsors
My favorite

5


02/27/2004 - 6:20 a.m.
Another Penguin Game for your Friday Entertainment
Category: games - posted by: Bruce.
Remember the 'Smack the Penguin' game? Here's another version and if just hitting innocent penguins wasn't enough, this is the gore version. Be warned, lots of blood.
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02/27/2004 - 6:14 a.m.
Gentleman here's Valerie, a Domestic Android, wives admit defeat
Category: incredible - posted by: Bruce.

Valerie is the most advanced android in the world having more degrees of freedom than any android shown up to now. She uses the AT&T speech synthesizer giving the most human-sounding voice available today. She is also easily the most anthropomorphic android available with a high degree of artificial intelligence.

She is 5’10” in shoes and weighs 150 pounds and you can select her eye color, skin tone hairstyle and length and US or British accent for free.

What can she do? Select here for the full list but here are a few highlights

  • Understand spoken commands
  • Remember previous conversations with you.
  • Remember a daily list of chores to be done.
  • Perform household chores such as: Cleaning the house, Doing laundry, Lift and carry things up to 50 pounds, Picking up things and putting them away, Painting, Setting the table, Sweeping, Washing dishes and Vacuuming.
  • Access the Internet to Check stock prices, Check sports scores, Find information for you to post on the Daily Nonsense, Find directions (like I would need that)
  • Call police or fire department in an emergency.
  • Dress or undress herself.
All of this for only $59,000 which includes a 2 year warranty. Guys this is cheaper then your wife!
15

02/27/2004 - 5:30 a.m.
This is too good to be true unless you are an Atlanta Thrashers fan.
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.
The Atlanta Thrashers is a semi-pro hockey team, Okay a NHL pro hockey team that plays in Atlanta hence the name “Atlanta” Thrashers. Had to place their goaltender Byron Dafoe on injured reserves because he injured his back, how you ask because he slipped on ice outside the team's hotel. Maybe that explains why the Thrashers are rapidly falling in the Southeast Standings and the laughing stock of the NHL.
5


02/26/2004 - 7:03 p.m.
Can you believe it!? Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy!
Category: incredible - posted by: Bruce
I’m so proud of Mason, my 6-year old son. This morning Mason called me at the office to tell it was snowing, like I didn’t have to drive 33 miles to work traveling about 40 MPH because of it! He told me that he would make me a snowman, so I can see it when I got home from work. This is when I said you know Mason you don’t have to make the same kind of snowman that all the other kids make, use your imagination. So when I got home I was quite surprised to see his Homer Simpson creation not only for how good it was but he even kept my favorite pint cold for me.

Go here to visit the Homer Simpson Random Quote Generator
6


02/26/2004 - 6:35 a.m.
Winter Driving Tips for Southern Drivers, I guess
Category: nifty - posted by: Bruce.
As you can tell by now we got snow in Georgia today. After my drive in and seeing the idiots on the road I decided to offer some tips to help my southern neighbors with driving in the snow. Pay attention as these tips may save your life.

  • Northern drivers apparently always have the right of way in winter. You must yield to their superior driving ability in snow. If you ask them they will tell you that this is really not up for debate.
  • Only slam your brakes if you need some time off from work. You’ll be laid up home in a neckbrace for the next six weeks.
  • Lock De-Icer gets stored outside the vehicle. Not in the glove box.
  • Turn your damn brights off. Now.
  • And really, why are you driving? Wouldn’t you rather just stay indoors and watch the news clips of people slamming into each other in 1" of snow?
Do you northern drivers have any other tips for us southern drivers?
10

02/26/2004 - 6:12 a.m.
Things that sound dirty, but aren’t: Snowfall Edition
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.

  • I only got four inches last night.
  • Go on. Lick that pole. I dare ya.
  • It’s even soaked through my shoes.
  • My son, Mason, loves rolling in it, but I make him wear gloves so he wont catch anything.
  • No two are ever alike
Hey I'm a southerner, What did I leave out?
25

02/26/2004 - 5:52 a.m.
This morning at 4:00AM I had the roads all to myself
Category: bizarre - posted by: Bruce.
Snow and ice fall in Georgia. Milk and bread suppliers give each other high fives, put down payments on new yachts.
18


02/25/2004 - 12:12 p.m.
Clowning Around
So you thought that being a celebrity was all red carpets, gala premieres and photo shoots? Clearly you never glanced into the private life of every celebrity. For if you had, you would know that behind every celebrity there is another side, a lighter side: their inner clown.

The rules of this Worth1000 game are: Turn any famous person or celebrity into a Celebrity Clown. Don't just photoshop their face into a clown suit - give them makeup and clown coloring.
3


02/25/2004 - 9:11 a.m.
The resumé of Jesus Christ
Category: claptrap - posted by: Bruce.
With the The Passion of Christ movie out today I thought I would be a good time to publish what I believe Jesus Christ resumé would look like if he were trying to get a job in today’s market.


Jesus Christ
Email: [email protected]

OBJECTIVE:
To find a challenging career that will utilize over 2,000 years of experience.

EMPLOYMENT:
God (30AD to present)
Responsibilities included saving the souls of humanity and distributing religious material. Managed a team of twelve self-motivated individuals and gave numerous outdoor seminars. Acted as sole liaison for God Almighty.

Carpenter (14AD to 30AD)
Self-trained carpenter in Israel. Proficient with many hand tools. Good working knowledge of unusual hardwoods such as Lebanese Cedar.

ADDITIONAL SKILLS:
Food preparation for large groups, motivational speaking, exorcism, levitation, Miracle maker, mind reading, group hypnosis, winemaking, water walker, sore healing and resurrection.

HOBBIES AND INTERESTS:
Fishing, woodworking, holistic healing, storytelling, feeding the poor, volunteer work with leprosy victims.



5


02/25/2004 - 6:36 a.m.
Google Challenge
Category: challenge - posted by: Bruce.
Here's a challenge... Type a trite marketing phrase into Google, and see how many hits it gets. Examples:

  • "you've got to see it to believe it"- 3,570
  • "we're number 1" - 6,690
  • "staff of professionals" - 24,900
  • "just in time for the holidays" - 36,900
  • "our valued customers" - 78,600
  • "count on us" - 101,000
  • "you have nothing to lose" - 104,000
  • "guaranteed low prices" - 286,000
  • "save even more" 364,000
  • "limited time only" - 384,000
  • "we respect your privacy" - 422,000
  • "what are you waiting for" - 425,000
  • "click here to order" - 2,480,000
Rules: The phrase must contain at least three words. When searching Google, put the phrase in quotes.
9

02/25/2004 - 6:07 a.m.
Hate Mail
Category: uproarious - posted by: Bruce.
Note this hate mail was sent to me in response to the 2/20/04 post I did called Dead Weight which is about people who weigh more than 300 pounds have to be buried in special caskets, known in the trade as “triple wides”. [Spelling and grammar are hers]

I guess you never stop MR. DOWNS? You turn you back on the LAMB OF GOD and you waist you’re time writing about the shameless women you cavort inside. Now you must make fun of the deceased. God did not put you on this earth to spend each. Right?

How are your parents to be buried? Will you mock their funerals with anticipation and agrimony?I wouldn’t be surprised.This is a legititimate business as you know it. They are dserving of the respect they are giving to the loved ones of AMERICAa WHICH INCLUDES MY AUNT WHO IS TO BE BURIED IN THIS FASHION.!!!!!!!!! I am preying for your soul Bruce. And preying that your relatives find something you APPROVE OF to be burried in. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a casket snob but now I do.

Yours in Christ jesus,
Helen Sandrak

22


02/24/2004 - 6:30 a.m.
When there’s no more room in hell,
The dead will walk the earth, man I love that line and it will be in theaters starting March 19, 2004. I am a huge fane of the original dawn of the dead movie, back during the day around 1980, I must have seen it about a dozen times. Yes back in high school we use to hit the midnight movies almost every weekend. The Dawn of the Dead site just went online, with quite a creepy and gritty design. Lots of cool content... zombie history, survival tips, games, photos and downloads. If you don't know what this movie is about, watch the trailer. I have a feeling there will be a lot of zombie surprises not shown in the preview. And if you haven't seen the original, what's wrong with you? Go rent it, you zombie neophyte. By the way don’t forget to join the Zombie Army.


4


02/24/2004 - 6:08 a.m.
It's a tough choice, but you've got to decide.

It's a tough choice, but you've got to decide.
Which Olsen twin is right for you? No, you can't have both!

Thanks to hours of grueling research through publications from TigerBeat to TeenPeople a test has been developed to determine your best match.

It seems neither Olsen twin is for me, apparently I’m either a sleazeball or just to boring.
11


02/24/2004 - 5:57 a.m.
Maybe gillette's solution should be 13 blades?
Category: rody - posted by: Bruce.
Miss the Cola Wars? Now introducing the razor wars. One from Gillette has three blades, and two strips and a 77% awareness without an ad campaign- and is available for free. The other has four blades and is eating market share but the idea may have been borrowed from the competitor. Maybe gillette's solution should be 13 blades?

15


02/23/2004 - 6:23 a.m.
Singing In The Office
Category: idiotic - posted by: Bethany.
This short video demonstrates what happens when someone who can't sing sings.
6


02/23/2004 - 6:16 a.m.
Buy My In-Laws
Category: idiotic - posted by: Bruce.
Last week I told you that Human For Sale said I was worth $2,149,672.00. Now I bring you Buy My In-Laws. The mother cost only $2.95 and she comes with Thirty-two cases of beenie weenies!, 14 pairs of old socks!, one t.v.!, 105 nick-knacks! 17 chickens! and 1 brand new trailer! What a deal!?!
2


02/23/2004 - 6:08 a.m.
Possibly a case of obsession gone overboard.
Category: bizarre - posted by: Bruce.
The creators of DisneyTattooGuy.com are not affiliated with, maintained by, or in any way officially connected with the Walt Disney Company or any of it's business units. This page has been created for our enjoyment and yours. Disney, Disneyland, Disney World are all trademarks of The Walt Disney Company. Our views and opinions are not endorsed by, nor are they associated with The Walt Disney Company in any way.
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